Hi! So it’s been a little while since my last post and I must admit my inner perfectionist is not too happy ​about that. However, I can say that it’s for very good reason. Over the past several months I have ​increased my professional focus on maternal mental health and families. While much of my time is ​focused on the day-to-day of supporting individuals and families, I have also been busy networking ​with others in the community to work towards increasing awareness of perinatal mental health. I am ​looking forward to upcoming community partnerships which focus on supporting women to access ​mental health services. Stay tuned for future announcements!

Perfectionism

So often when speaking to women about the postpartum transition ImPeRfeCtion is often highlighted ​as a central component of distress. Research has increasingly looked at the link between perfectionism ​and postpartum distress and found this to be an important risk factor to consider in preparing women ​for pregnancy. Our own definition of what is “good” or “bad” creates expectations about the way ​things should be in our birth, our baby, and our feelings about motherhood. When our expectations do ​not align with reality, distress follows us. For example having a traumatic birth, health complications, ​the baby’s gender, difficulty with bond, and difficulty breastfeeding are some of the things that ​challenge women to make sense of the unexpected. When this happens women can experience ​feelings of shame, anger, failure, and grief.

I remember so vividly the pressure to do it all “the right way”. I felt the pressure to “have a natural ​birth”. That was my first heartbreak in my perinatal transition. I could not get a midwife. I came to the ​hospital prepared with my Birth Plan in hand. I read all the books. (Including Ina May’s Guide to ​Childbirth - which truly was a beautiful read). I had my hypnobirthing audio ready to go, my ​fashionable diaper bag packed with an organic cotton onesie, and I was ready to advocate for myself ​to “birth the right way”. Now I should clarify, at the time, I was not aware of my thought distortions ​about birthing “the right way”. It was not until months later that I saw the impact of my perfect ​expectations. That idolization of “natural birthing” (vaginal and no drugs) became my benchmark for ​failure. I needed to do this right. Today I see so clearly how my efforts to nest became efforts to ​control things that were unexpected and uncontrollable.

So the contractions were started. I had laboured at home for a few hours and was 3 centimetres ​dilated when I arrived at hospital. They admitted me. Sometimes they do not. I began with a serene ​and controlled mindset. However, hour after hour, the anxiety crept in. Then the nurses and doctors ​began to bring my attention to the clock “if you don’t start progressing soon we will need to look at a ​C-section”. It was not working. I was doing it wrong. The stress in the room intensified and by hour 25 I ​threw in the towel. My body was exhausted. I asked for the epidural and napped for brief moments ​between contractions. I felt so disappointed in myself. Each moment I needed to fight the negative ​thoughts about myself and refocus on the task at hand. Finally, after 10 more hours my baby boy was ​born. NICU was called to the room due to the presence of meconium, but he was OK. I should just be ​happy that I have a healthy baby right? Don’t worry I knew that part. I felt shame anytime I thought ​about the disappointment in my birth. I could not shake the feeling that somehow my body failed me.

Days passed and I loved the little guy. I was also shell shocked. All my energy went into his needs and ​to be honest he scared the crap out of me. I NEEDED to make sure he ate. I needed to do this right. ​Surely breastfeeding was something that would come easy to me. How hard could it be? Put the face ​to the nipple. But it was not that simple. The doctor said he was small. I was doing it wrong again. My ​milk came in fast. He choked and cried every time we fed. I sat in tears feeling I was failing again and ​then ashamed that I was not “appreciating this time together”. I was not “just thankful he was healthy”. ​I was ashamed when I felt regret and asked “what have I done?”. The picture perfect vision in my head ​was not aligning with reality and I was too embarrassed to ask for help. If I admitted I was struggling... ​my imperfection would be visible. Even today I fight through stigma to share this.

For that first birth expereince I look back and wish so much that I would have gotten help. I struggled ​through that first year having accepted the dark deep secret that I was not perfect. If I could say ​something to that part of me I would tell her that the perfection is bullshit. She is a warrior. I would ​give her a hug and say that this transition is not one dimensional and that there is not a “right way” for ​most things. Each baby, each mom, each family has unique needs which challenge the postpartum ​journey and force us to say “this is good enough”, “this will work”, “we will be ok”. It has been a ​personal process to let go of the stains, missing socks, dirty dishes, and perfect pictures. But I am so ​proud of it all.

For anyone who might read this blog today and need to hear this, motherhood is a personal experience ​with your baby, your family, and your self, and I believe that in each moment you have the wisdom to ​do the right thing for you and yours. Notice what your definitions of perfection are and challenge ​these. You have the power to redefine success as a mom and as a woman. You did not fail.

Perhaps one of the most frustrating aspects of experiencing postpartum distress is the feeling ​of being robbed of your postpartum experience and the overwhelming resentment of not ​knowing that this could even happen.

When women experience postpartum distress they often are unaware that something is ​happening “to them” and instead believe that there is something “wrong with them”. No ​matter what anyone told me I felt that I was not a good mom and failing to live up to ​expectations. Yet I know, when I think rationally about my postpartum experience, I was doing ​the best I could to survive despite a context and a history that predisposed me to the ​postpartum storm.

If I would have known ahead of time that I had multiple risk factors which have been linked to ​postpartum distress I might have sought help ahead of time or been able to explain what was ​happening to me before I was too hopeless and exhausted to do anything about it.

What are the risk factors for postpartum distress?

Genetics – Sure, maybe we are born that way. Sometimes people are predisposed to becoming ​depressed or anxious. Maybe postpartum challenges will feel like a surprise and maybe it ​won’t because other women in your family have experienced this before. Do you know about ​the mental health, prenatal, and postpartum experiences of women in their family? Beyond ​the birth story how did they cope with this transition? This information may be important to ​helping us understand ourselves and prepare for our own transition.

Personality – Perhaps one of the most interesting findings I stumbled upon in my research was ​the connection between perfectionism, neuroticism, and postpartum distress.

Neuroticism, in short, is a personality trait where people might have difficulties managing ​stress, they may have intense emotions with strong urges to act. Individuals might also ​perceive threats disproportionally and tend to complain more.

Here is an interesting article on this:

Perfectionism is a trait where individuals may have very high expectations about the way ​things “should” be and how they “should” be managing all the things. Sometimes ​perfectionism is described as a phobia of making a mistake.

The reality is that having a baby is EXTREMELY unpredictable. From the moment you find out ​that you are pregnant, you begin to have a sense of control that is really quite false. Sure, you ​can control what you eat, exercise, workload. Maybe you can control your sleep schedule and ​the amount of help you get. But ultimately… you are reacting to major shifts in your mood, ​energy, physical symptoms that you never knew were possible. AND THEN… no matter how ​much you prepare, nothing can prepare for the birth of that baby. This topic of expectations ​will be something that I go over again more specifically in future, however for now, it is ​important to know that women who have a strong desire to control and perfect the situation ​or who struggle to cope with things that feel very out of control, may have issues with ​postpartum distress.

To be clear, I do not want to scare you… I want to arm you with knowledge so that you can ​prepare yourself and get the support that you or someone you know needs.

Ask yourself the following questions:

How do I handle my stress?

Would people around me consider me easy going?

Do I feel the need to be perfect?

Do I feel better when everything goes according to plan?

When you reflect on these questions think about your capacity to manage change and chaos. ​You might be someone who benefits from talking about your coping strategies ahead of time ​or thinking about ways to prepare with the emotions that occur when things are not perfect or ​according to plan.

I remember my first birth experience so vividly. I felt so much pressure to birth that baby “the ​right way”. This meant no drugs, “all natural”, skin-to-skin, organic cotton, the safest devices, ​etc. I had a doula and a birth plan. Then it started… the contractions… I was a warrior woman. I ​battled for 24 hours and felt like giving up. I gave in, I got the epidural. I felt my first failure. ​And from there I watched as the dream of birth and mothering slipped away and the cloud ​emerged. Nothing seemed to be how I planned. Not even the way I felt for my baby. I cleaned ​and organized but the lack of control and imperfect feelings were so hard to shake. Eventually ​I learned my task was to tolerate imperfections and ride the waves of my chaotic storm.

In my post later this month I will explore more how our, history, socialization and ​relationships can also be significant risk factors in developing perinatal mental health issues.

I remember it like a dark cloud that shifted my perception of the world and clouded my vision. I wanted to feel happy after my first baby. I wanted to connect to him and savour the moment. But that spark just did not ignite. I can still hear the voices of people saying “he is such an easy baby”, “you must be so happy”, “you better enjoy it while it lasts because they grow up so fast”. I felt like I was failing. I felt an immense sense of grief about who I once was and was paralyzed with fear that I might never be the mother everyone expected me to be. And despite the significant pain, anxiety, fear, and grief I did not know that I had a postpartum mental health issue... because it was so much more than depression...

My expereince of postpartum distress, combined with my work in the mental healith field, inspired a desire to learn more about this issue and shine a light on the postpartum expereince so that women know that they are not alone. You are not crazy. This IS normal.

Perinatal mental health issues are so prevelant with women across the world and yet this issue is often excluded in narratives about motherhood and childbirth. Statistics show that upwards of 20% of women experience postpartum distress and yet many women do not seek support.

Over the years I have witnessed women who come forward admitting that they had postpartum mental health issues but they never sought help. My own theory is that women do not seek services for two primary reasons:

1) Stigma about mental health during postpartum prevents women from coming forward

2) Services in the community DO NOT reflect postpartum informed mental health care

I have come to understand that there is a significant lack of education and understanding about perinatal mental health and that more must be done to prepare women and their families for the unique challenges that occur during this transition.

This blog is intended to shine light on the mental health experiences of women who become pregnant, and the challenges women and families face in the postpartum period. My hope is not to paint a picture of postpartum distress as a dreary and scary but to expose this experience using all colours rather than with a single brush of depression.

Keep reading for some basic definitions of various mental health issues women might expereince in postpartum. But please know... this is NOT meant to scare you, but rather to arm you with knowledge and information that will support women to identify larger patterns that may be occuring which is sometimes very difficult to see in the moment. For myself, I did not know I had postpartum distress, the first time, until months later.

It is normal to feel like nothing is normal in this major life transition.

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My postpartum distress was invisible.

Maybe people knew I was sometimes anxious and sad but they did not know how deep it went.

I tried my best to hide my pain and pose for pictures to post on Facebook.

I wanted to show the world I was a “good mom”.

~ Heidi Langford

Hello! My name is Heidi Langford. I am a mother of three and ​mental health professional who has lived experience of ​postpartum distress. I am the owner of Three Stones ​Counselling and have several years experience in the mental ​health field supporting individuals and families through ​various transitions and challenges. More recently I have ​worked towards completion of my masters degree with ​specific focus in perinatal mental health.

I am very excited to share a little piece of my story so that ​other women might have a sense of relief that they are not ​alone. This blog is intended to shine light on the dark side of ​motherhood and to combat the stigma of speaking honestly ​about pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood, and parenting.

Check back for monthly posts and feel free to connect with ​Facebook or through my website to learn more about me ​and the services I provide.